The Satisfaction of Disastrous BiscuitsThis is the recipe printed on the tiny brown card that accompanied the biscuits at BLT Fish:
Cheddar & Chive Biscuits
Flour: 1 1/2 cups
Baking Powder: 2 teaspoons
Salt: 1 teaspoon
Cayenne Pepper: 1/4 teaspoon
Shortening: 3 tablespoons
Butter: 3 tablespoons
Chopped Chives: 1 tablespoon
Sharp Cheddar: 1 cup
Cream: 1 1/4 cups
Mix together the flour, baking powder, salt, and cayenne. Cut the shortening and butter into the flour mix. Do NOT overwork. DO leave the butter and shortening in small pieces.
Toss in the chives and cheese. Toss in the cream, stirring just until mixture comes together. DO NOT mix too much.
Bake at 375F for 15-17 minutes.
And yes, the CAPS were a part of the printed instructions. So charming! So quaint! Such a perfectly perfect thing to give out at a fancy-schmancy restaurant.
Naturally, I had to make them MYSELF. Quick: does anyone see anything wrong with this recipe? I didn't hear any alarm bells when I read through it, but perhaps that is because I haven't made biscuits for, like, YEARS. I can't even remember when I last made biscuits.
So anyway. I rustled up all the ingredients, and got to work, dreaming of that wonderful dinner while I grated cheese and chopped chives. As I poured the cream into a measuring cup, I thought: Gosh darn it all, that is a LOT of cream. A cup and a quarter? Whoa! There is a baby calf out there somewhere who is missing out on dinner! But I just forged on ahead, and poured the whole amount into the bowl, stirring just once or twice so as to not OVERMIX.
And then I had squidgy, splooshy, vanilla-colored muck. Is this what biscuit dough usually looks like? I thought to myself, feeling a stab of PANIC. I don't remember it being so...gloppy. But I went ahead and scooped roughly spherical blobs onto a baking sheet, and stuck it in the oven, hoping for the best. Prior to embarking on the recipe, I had a vision of surprising my sweetie with a plate full of floury, biscuit-y goodness. I had even purchased a nice bottle of maple syrup to pour over a wedge of Plugra butter, all the better to replicate our lovely New York dinner. But alas.
Inside the oven, the cheese and butter got all warm and happy, and melted into the cream, and the lot of them had a fun, oozy bubble-fest. Not long after, I opened the oven door to discover a baking sheet full of chive-studded saturated fat, with nary a biscuit in sight.
My prized recipe was a SHAM! I grabbed the card off of the counter and read it again, this time with a scornful eye. Since when do you put nearly as much liquid as dry ingredients into a recipe that also contains fat that will melt during cooking?! This recipe was supposed to make biscuits, not SOUP! And what about all that cheese and cream that I just wasted? Waaaahh.
But secretly, I was glad. Because, you see, that last post was all so sweet and fuzzy that some part of me didn't want the biscuits to turn out. It would have been a ghastly chore to write about the Perfect Biscuits that reminded us of a Perfect Dinner, and how comfort food truly is comforting, yadda yadda YUCK.
So they were a disaster, and that turned out to be good news in the END.